It got good then even worse!

So I met someone,  a nice boy (B) unexpectedly, I was 14 and still drinking etc. He like spending time with me and liked me for me, I didn’t do anything sexually – this was different. We hung out, went to the cinema, watched movies had chips and behaved Like kids.

We grew close and began exploring each other’s bodies and when we did have sex it was as if it was my first time. Completely different to all the other times, it was loving and meant something. He was my best friend. We did everything together.

We had been together for 12 months and I remeber being really Ill vomiting and been off school for about a week. B came to see me every night after school he was a year older than me. I was 15 at this time, things were going good, I was happy and doing well at school.

Mum took me to the Doctors’s thinking I had a bug, the doctor took me to a private room and asked if could be pregnant! I said no way and told her I hadn’t had sex before. I remember feeling embarrassed, shocked and as if I had just been kicked in the stomach.

That night I told B what had happened, I went back to school the next day  and we met a friends house afterwards to do a test. I remover waiting nervously by myself and then seeing the positive sign. I was 15, scared, confused and shocked.

Straight away B started looking through the telephone book to find out about who to speak to for an abortion. We hadn’t even discussed it, the decision was made for me, we couldn’t tell anyone and we just had to get the problem away.

I felt so ashamed and distanced myself from B. On a night I remember holding my tummy and talking to the baby growing inside me. I suffered with really bad sickness, my tummy grew and I found it hard to conceal it but I did, from everyone!

I went to my GP who told me I had to tell my parents and that as I was under 16 I needed parental consent for an abortion. However there was a loop hole, if I was of sound mind and mature the hospital may agree.

An appointment was made, I sat in front of 2 consultants and had to convince them I was grown up enough to go through this on my own. They looked down their noses at me, there was no sympathy just judgement. I was so ashamed. Somehow I did it and they booked me in on my 16th birthday.

My first appointment was to take 1 tablet and then return the next day for a second. Then this nightmare would be over.

I told my mum I was going shopping as it was my birthday but I got the bus alone to the hospital. I was scared but just wanted it to be over. That night I had friends over for a movie, takeaway and birthday cake. I was in agony and very sick – it was the worst birthday ever!

The next day I dressed for school kissed my mum goodbye. I went to my friends house, we told her mum (the mum from my first blog who didn’t do anything about her brothers friend). Her mum agreed not to tell anyone and she dropped me off at the front door of the hospital.

I was on my own, scared & in unimaginable pain. I cried the nurses came to check on me but ultimately I was on my own. The pain left once it was over, I remover crying looking at what had left my body.

I went home that night my family never suspected a thing – I didn’t sleep much I laid Cradling my tummy imagining what my baby would have looked like.

I went back to school the next day and carried on as if nothing had happened. I don’t think I have ever felt so alone, I had no one to talk too.

I distanced myself from B afterwards, I couldn’t stand being around him. I felt ashamed, damaged and resentful.

I went on & passed my GCSE’s but this had a significant impact on me & my life. I find it very hard to not be in control and I take care of myself, not relying anyone.

I can’t talk to my parents on a great level, I feel as if they don’t really know much about me. I feel sorry for them as they are good people and would be devastated to read any of this but I feel like I grew up alone.

 

 

Losing control

My menory is very sketchy after that sleepover – I know the incident at the sleepover happened in the spring of 1995. I never saw or spoke about the boy and what happened again.

The bullying continued at school, I continued to smoke and mirror the beahiour of the bullies to try and be accepted.

The bullies were popular with boys. Me and my friends started hanging out after school at night at the park and showing interest in boys. One of my friends (S) had an older brother (M) his friends would be there too, they were 4 years older and I developed a crush on one of them. It was innocent I had never even kissed a boy, I think I had the crush to fit in with my friends to share an interest which was boys!

One night (autumn 1995) I was invited to S’s house for a sleepover we had been to the park and I had ‘flirted’ with M’s friend. Again this was innocent I was 12 & had never had a boyfriend.

Back at my friends house for our sleepover, I left her room for the toilet wearing a long sleeved night dress, navy blue with teddy bears on. I remeber this as I have analysed it thinking was it me, the way I was dressed!

on the way back from the toilet my friends brother M asked me to go into his room as he had a secret to tell me. He asked me to sit on the bed. He said he knew a way I could get his friend to be my boyfriend. He asked if I had kissed anyone  before and then kissed me. I felt flattered by the attention as he was much older than me I was ready to learn from him. Was this me consenting?

What happened next i’m Unsure but I remeber him asking me if I had seen a boys penis, I was honest and said no. My next memory is that he pushed my night dress up and we had intercourse. It was painful I wanted to cry but I wanted to be mature so I just laid still. I didn’t know what was happening to me, I was bleeding.

Afterwards I went back to my friends room, she was sleeping by and I just laid there trying to process what happened. I remeber feeling confused but also flattered and pleased that this mature boy had shown me so much attention.

I remeber telling his sister (my friend) what happened, she called me a liar, even when I showed her the bloody bed sheets in his room she told me he had bad nose bleeds.

My impression of the bullies been popular with boys and learning from M I thought to get a boyfriend and become popular I needed to make them like me.

My behaviour then went wild. I didn’t tell anyone else about that night but I became over sexual and drank a lot. I would share my body with any boy that showed me attention and anywhere. My parents were oblivious they would see come in drunk and I would be smacked, grounded and told I was naughty, bad and they didn’t know how to cope.

My mum would cry asking what had she done to create such a problematic child.

I was drinking most nights, called slut, slapper etc by the bullies. I felt proud that I was getting so much attention and had boyfriends. I didn’t realise that the bullies weren’t actually drinking or behaving like me. My behaviour made the bullying worse. My friends followed my lead behaving sexually too, we started smoke drugs even at school.

My parents and family thought I was just drinking and mixing with bad crowds. My friends were all like me, from a nice home, loving family but we were bullied and made to feel unliked. I didn’t realise it at the time but I the bullying lead me to seek attention from boys, this then lead to the abuse which I learned from & believed performing sexually got you attention & liked.

I have struggled to shift this perception. The thing is I don’t think the girls that were bullying us were doing any of these things!

I lost count of how many boys used my body. I wasn’t ashamed In fact I think I probably bragged. This went on for 2 years.

I was emotionless, I felt nothing during and after and was just going through the motions.

I have always used sex as a tool to try and keep and maintain attention & interest.

Although i’m married now and enjoy intimacy I find it hard to initiate as I perceive it as dirty. I need to allow myself to see intimacy as a loving act.

in my next post i’ll Speak about how I broke the cycle above but then I had a blow, which no 15 year old should have to go through.

Writing this I feel so detached from this girl, I feel for her but it cannot be me?!?

After writing this blog and reading it, I realised how rushed I was to get it out – it comes across so emotionless and factual but that is actually how I see it. I have never actually sat and thought about how tragic & traumatic it must have been for me at 12! I was a nice kid, alright I had my moments but I was playing with dolls and barbies the year before and then suddenly within 12 months I was drinking and having sex a lot!

That is not normal, I feel frustrated that my family didn’t get me help or question the drinking and behaviour?? Why? I think they just thought I was bad, born that way or something.

At family meals still, it’s brought up and they joke about how ‘bad’ I was & how I made their life ‘hell’ why don’t they question it? Are they scared that there is a reason behind It & they don’t want to know??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Am Insecure

I completely relate

Discovering Your Happiness

I Am Insecure

Hello loves, ❤

There are days when I refuse to leave the house because I am feeling insecure about the pimple on my cheek or the extra flab on my waist or the way my hair falls across my face. Days when I cannot stomach the thought of being seen in public, even during a quick trip to the grocery store, because there is the smallest possibility of running into someone I know.

Before leaving the bubble of my bedroom, I need a long time to get ready. That is why I never accept last minute plans. I need to know when we are leaving in advance so that I have time to shower and apply make-up and style my hair and psych myself up for socializing. I cannot just throw on a sweatshirt and leave the house the second a friend invites me out. I don’t have that kind…

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Why now?

I will talk about my trauma but I thought it was important to tell you why I have now decided to write about it.

Overall things are good! On the outside, I have it all lovely house, gorgeous kids and husband. I’ve done well all things considering but inside is another matter. I have very little self worth, I don’t particularly like myself physicslly and as a person. I find it hard to understand how my husband can love me. I feel emotionless and wooden.

I have good days but I struggle to ‘feel’ anything. I don’t know who I am or what I enjoy, i’m not sure if I ever have. I have spent so many years, trying to be liked, loved, be attractive, fun, outgoing that I now don’t know what is real.

I want a loving relationship with my husband, over the past 8 years I have found it increasingly hard to show affection. I want my kids to see us in a loving healthy relationship, I want intimacy to feel loving and not dirty.

I want to feel free and enjoy the feeling of living. I want my mind to be full of things that matter.

The only person preventing any of this, is me! I’m working on myself at present meditating, reading on mindfulness and trying to change my mindset.

i think sharing my story might allow me to leave my fears behind.

 

My hidden story

Hiya there,

So this is my story! I’m currently trying to change my mindset and find myself after years of depression and anxiety.

This is where it all went wrong….

I have very little memories of my childhood but I believe they were happy until the point I hit 10/11 and went to senior school.

It was hard to fit in and make new friends I remember feeling I had to make a real effort to be liked. I made a new friend who liked me for me but she was bullied, which meant so was I – I stuck up for her and the bullies didn’t like it! I was called awful names and surrounded  by about 8-10 on my way home with them threatening to put out cigerretes on my face! The bullying was daily, for no reason . Every break and walk home from school was horrendous and we lived In fear.

We started smoking to be cool and fit in. It didn’t work. Now i’m not sure what came first the incident below or the drinking,as my memories are very muddled. We drank again to be liked, provide confidence and allow us to fit in. At first it was just a drink of cider but this soon escalated.

One night I was sleeping over at my friends we’d been to a party for her mum’s bday – I remember been a little tipsy think we’d been allowed a cider (this was before the heavy drinking began). I was 11!

My friends brother was a year younger & he had a friend too – we decided to have a sleepover altogether in the front room on The sofa bed. I don’t know why but I didn’t have any pjs – I borrowed my friends brothers shorts and t-shirt. I remember the shorts been tight around my waste – & thank god the were!!

I woke up to the feeling of hands all over my body on top of my tshirt touching my breasts, stroking my stomach and trying to get to my vagina but luckily the shorts were too tight. I laid still, I wish I had shouted out but nothing at all I just kept the pretence I was sleeping. I thought it was my friends brother, I heard the door go, it was their mum, it was morning. Thank god! I started to move, yawning as I’d just waking pretending I was unaware of the touching. When I looked round it was his friend! He was 10!! I ran upstairs and there was my friend she was crying in her bedroom – the same thing had happened, she reacted the same as me but managed to leave the bed. She left me there knowing that he would do the same?

I can barely remeber this but we did tell her mum, she didn’t speak to my parents or spend any time reassuring me about what had happened. I’m not sure if she did anything but I never saw the boy again.

So this was the start of a snowball effect, I constantly have what if’s! If their mum had spoke to mine perhaps the next traumatic events wouldn’t have happened!

I’ll continue in a new blog… it’s hard writing this so i’ll try and do a bit daily.